Why'd They Stay

I do think that one reason it was hard for so many families to even consider what was really happening was because they didn't want to leave the church. I think most of the families attending this church really believed there was no other church in the nearby area to attend. This was "the" church. The only church that had it all right. Any other church would have too many areas of compromise. I know our family truly felt this way.

The families at this church were too connected and didn't want to part ways. I remember thinking that the families could meet anywhere else, just not under Jim and Dave. Gather, worship God, fellowship anywhere else but there. I felt like the adults didn't want to shake the apple cart. 


It was like no one wanted to see the truth, because then they would have to deal with it. 


These were intelligent men and women who sought the Lord. Maybe this is the unconscious reason why they allowed the leaders to control so much of the information. The fear of doing something that wasn't biblical was so overwhelming it debilitated the congregation from any action at all. They allowed the leaders to dictate what was biblical while they continued on with life.

Thankful

Wow, as I look back I can't believe I functioned on the outside as well as I did. I was numb on the inside. I had nothing to give, yet I had a child that had been violated, one that was used in the process, two who lost all their friends and the only life that they knew and hadn't a clue as to why, a toddler, and a six-month-old baby. It was because of my children I was able to keep going, to fight the depression, to face what needed to be faced and to deal with what needed to be done. As far away as I felt God was, I can see He cared for me in this time.

It was the friendships outside of the church that beared our burden with us. What is significant about this is although these were long-time friends, we had become somewhat distant over the years. Mainly, because of the church we were with. Our lives were so different now from our friends lives before this church. I slowly but surely distanced myself from previous friends while being a member of this church. Not intentionally, but I did. In this time of great heartache, there was a friend in particular that put my failure as a friend behind her and really stepped up and helped me personally in ways I am still humbled by. This is someone God used to carry me personally through every step of the way. I am very grateful for my dear, sweet friend Deb. We cried together, we swore together, we laughed together, we plotted together and we handed out flyers together. She lifted our family in prayer. She was real, she was steady and she was clearly on our side.

There is another dear women who I doubt realizes how much her kindness meant to both me and one of my children. This women didn't know me, but had heard some of our story and wanted to help in some way. She happened to own horses. She offered (through a mutual friend) to give riding instruction to one of my children as a way to minister to them. I was supposed to call her, I never did. She called me and left a message, I didn't return the call. She was persistent and called again. This time we connected. We set up a time to meet and the relationship began. This person was someone that when she prayed for me in person I felt something. I know she prayed for me regularly. In this time where I couldn't bareley trust my own instincts, God allowed me to trust this women. I was able to have some very real and vulnerable conversations with her. Kathy L., thank you for your sensitivty to the Holy Spirit. Thank your girls for their friendship as well.

My sista from anotha mother, Shana, came into my life as all of this hit. She has been consistent and very sensitive. Shana is someone I feel safe with. Another God thing! I shut down with almost everyone around me and I questioned everyone's motives, but somehow I was able to trust Shana. Shana knew a lot of the players, but wasn't really connected to them. It helped a lot to have her at my side and on my side! Thank you for watching my back! She is something good in all of this.

The Hannula's were also a family that always seemed to know just the right time to contact us. That would be another God thing! They provided much needed fellowship, prayer, encouragement, compassion, and generous gifts at specific times when we really needed to be cared for. It seems to be the type of friendship that comes and goes, but we always know they are there for us and standing in the gap for us. We love you guys! Thank you for caring for us!

I thank God for using these people to minister to me and my family!

Acknowledgment

Don't get me wrong...there was one family that regularly went to the mat for us from the church. It cost them a great deal. They were one of two families that started the church, yet they ended up leaving the church as well. They were constantly going to the elders and asking them to find out certain facts but the elders kept everyone at bay by stating they wouldn't do anything until the legal process was complete.

Another young couple with small children left the church because they didn't like how the church was responding to the crime. These two families were labeled "Schneider followers." Not Christ followers. Not moved by the Holy Spirit.

There were two families that specifically were "ministering" to our family, but with leadership approval. I suspect one of the men in the group was reporting back to the elders about our family and about our spiritual and emotional state. There was a limit to the value of their support because of that two-way street. The men in these families were fairly passive men who really did want to support us, but were also afraid of doing something non-scriptural in their support of our family. They really had faith that the elders would in the end do the right thing. I would say that these men, in all their good intentions, were following the party line.

There were also a couple other families that helped us practically and spiritually. I remember someone saying they were uncomfortable with what was going on, that they believed the elders probably should step down. That they knew things were wrong, but didn't have a scripture to put to it. So, the answer they came up with was to stay with the church. They felt bad for us and wanted to help us, but they were continuing on with the church. Yes, the elders were flawed, but that wasn't a reason to leave, they thought. They believed strongly in the biblical chain of command, so to speak. One of the men believed he could help in changing the church for the better.

All of these families eventually left.

I don't want these families to feel like we didn't appreciate or acknowledge what they DID DO for us. During this time the friendship, the insider information, the practical help was very meaningful. But in the end, like I have said in a previous post, when it really mattered, they continued on under the same leadership.

Once they did leave, we were contacted and it seemed as if they expected us to resume our friendships. I couldn't do it. I was no longer the same person. Everything was different now.

Some things do not heal with time. I have a feeling this is one of those things.

It's not even a matter of forgiveness. It's abstract. It's hard to put into words. Add to it that some of these people still interact with individuals from the main player category. That's the final deal breaker.

Of Course It Matters

It does effect me and others in my family if you have ongoing relationships with these people. I know you fellowship with them. My kids know you have relationships with them. How can you continue in friendship with these families and yet say you want to support our family? Very confusing! It's a passive way to avoid picking a clear side.

I had desperately wished in the past someone would stand up and call what is wrong-wrong. Instead, we once again get represented as angry and bitter. Why, just because your actions effect me, am I considered angry and bitter? Imagine you are having a birthday party. You invite me along with someone who, let's say for the sake of my analogy, wrote a letter on behalf of Patrick and maybe in the last six months has been on Eddie Rojas' or another Rojas' Facebook page, communicating with them. How am I suppose to feel towards this person? What exactly is the Godly response? How is it that these people have no shame? And out of insensitivity or not wanting to stand up for our family you just invite both of us and hope we play nice. So, I have to call ahead and ask who is attending and try and gracefully decline the invitation.

These were the passive ways our family was isolated. The person having the party was able to feel good about themselves because they invited us and it was sad we couldn't attend but the party must go on. Over and over this type of scenario occurred. When you have been hurt by a group of people in the way our family has been, you have to be a glutton for punishment or living in denial to want to purposefully interact in social settings with the main players.

Anyone who wrote a letter in support of Patrick is a main player. Anyone who still attended the church after the meeting where the elders admitted keeping secret the details of Patrick's sexual abuse of our child is a main player. Anyone who is currently in contact with any Rojas family member in any way other than asking the adult ones to turn their father in is a main player. Anyone who is in fellowship with the Cameron family or Barrueto family is a main player. Anyone who is supporting Patrick is a main player. Why would we want to interact with anyone of these people? Boundaries!

Some of the individuals who fall in one or more of the above categories have hurt us deeper than others because of the level of the relationship between our families and children prior to the crime. I could care less about the fact that some of the individuals are no longer in my life. A few sat on the fence and helped us in many ways along the way, but when push came to shove they didn't stand up on our behalf. These relationships have been the hardest to lose.

I am deeply grieved about these friendships, but even with time and therapy I can't get past the disappointment and the fact that they continue to be connected with others in the main player category. I get that these people didn't want to lose their network of friends, but that meant they were willing to lose me as their friend. We were the victims, completely innocent of wrongdoing, and yet we were the ones people wouldn't fight for. They would fight for the elder's and defend their inability to do what was right. Some would even defend Eddie and Kathy and Patrick. Under the circumstances that caused something in me to die. Maybe to protect myself from anymore pain? I do not think I could have survived any more pain. Soul-gripping pain. True heartbreak! This is why we are not friends anymore and why I am sad about it.

What They Really Wanted

Days later, after the meeting regarding the conference, there was a Men's meeting at someone's house in the church. Eric received a phone call from Dave Barrueto. It started with some small talk and led into Dave asking Eric if he or our eldest son would be attending the meeting. Eric said he hadn't planned on attending the meeting. The elder went on to make some encouraging comments about how great it would be to have him there. The conversation ended.

After the phone conversation Eric pondered going to the meeting but just couldn't muster himself. It was a good thing he didn't go because we found out later that evening that Patrick actually showed up at this meeting to apologize to the men.

In Dave's conversation with Eric, he never mentioned that Patrick would be attending the meeting. No one other than the elders knew Patrick was going to show up at the meeting. What if Eric would have changed his mind and taken our eldest son to the meeting? Why did Dave have to be so passive and sneaky about something so important to us and something we had just agreed upon days earlier? Communication! Remember, look at what they do, not what they say!

I believe it was the very next night that Eric called Jim Cameron and officially said we were leaving the church. Jim's immediate response was,"Could you give that to me in writing?" I wanted to swear again! If they had it in writing that we were not attending the church, then Patrick could attend again. (There was a court order in effect that stated that Patrick couldn't attend the same church as our family.) Remember, Patrick's father was still the pastor of our church. "Eddie hadn't done anything wrong," so biblically he didn't need to step down as pastor, was the thinking.

The church leaders finally had what they REALLY wanted: Patrick back. That way, they could pretend that nothing had happened.

We never sent the letter stating we had left the church.

Another Meeting

By this point, Eric and I and two of our children were in therapy. It's a good thing! It was great for both Eric and I to be able to go to someone not connected in any way so that we could sort through our emotions and sort through how we interpreted others actions. Expensive but necessary! This was a vital part of the road to recovery and healing. Recovery from cult-like thinking and healing from all the betrayals.

When we arrived home from the Heritage Home Educators of Washington Conference, we made some phone calls and asked for a meeting with the elders, the Rojas's, and some other couples. We wanted them to see first-hand how we were being treated. (Another weird thing in all of this was that if someone didn't hear or see something first hand, "it wasn't to be fully believed. It was considered gossip.")


This meeting was held at a neutral home. After we left the meeting, Eric and I were almost certain we were done with the church. In no way were they concerned for our victimized child or sensitive to us as the parents. We were glad that the others in the room were able to see the elders and their demeanor and attitudes toward us. They were able to witness Eddie and his tirade about the non biblical therapy Patrick was having to sit through and the Bible study he was responding so well to. The only apology we received was from an oppressed Kathy Rojas who said," If she would have known we were attending the conference they wouldn't have had Patrick attend with their family." I wanted to say,"Whatever, you know we go every year." I was told from a third-party, Kathy knew we were attending . I just looked at her. Eddie quickly redirected the conversation. At that point I had stopped listening.

Everything ended with the basic sentiments that Dave and Jim were doing the "best they could" (this was a regular statement made in defense of the elders) and now finally understood that they needed to be more sensitive and over-communicate with us regarding Patrick. It was specifically mentioned that Patrick wouldn't just show up anywhere we might be. That one of the elders would notify Eric if Patrick would be at a gathering or meeting we would possibly be at. Remember this is a fairly small church and everyone is intertwined with each other. Some in the room felt like it was a positive meeting. As if all the previous passive preferences for Patrick by the elders and Eddie (the pastor) were a huge misunderstanding and it was all cleared up now.

On the other hand, Eric and I had the sense that the elders and the Rojas's didn't get any of it. They didn't want to even consider the fact that Patrick was a predator, even though the Rojas's secretly knew he'd had other victims. They didn't want to admit that he was even a threat, even though the elders knew the full details of what he had done to our child. They found it hard to grasp that we didn't even want to visually see Patrick, even if it was only from across a room full of people. They didn't understand why we couldn't just all gather together and worship God and act as if things were fine, because you know Patrick was repentant so it was all suppose to be good now.

Sometimes It's Appropriate To Swear

Eric and I planned to make a weekend out of the Heritage Home Educators of Washington Conference in 2007, just as we had for several years. We were needing the time away as a couple and I always needed the home schooling encouragement by this time of the year.

This conference happened to be just days after Patrick had plead guilty to "Communication with a minor for immoral purposes" and was also ordered to take a sexual psycho evaluation, with his actual sentencing still pending. 


So when I say the last person in the world I expected to see at this family-oriented conference was Patrick Rojas. I mean he was literally the last person I expected to see. In retrospect, I should have expected him to be there. Up to this point, almost always the opposite of what we expected to happen-happened. Patrick was at the conference with his parents, Eddie and Kathy, and his 12 other siblings.

The Rojas family members were actually guests of Michael Bradrick's, who is on the Heritage Home Educators of Washington board of directors. 


We called Jim and Dave (the elders) of our church and requested that they have Patrick leave the conference--that is was too hard for us to see him. As he didn't have any children he was homeschooling, it seemed reasonable that he leave so we could attend the conference in peace. Jim and Dave communicated to us that this was something out of their sphere as elders. They were willing to communicate our wishes, but they would not tell him that he had to leave.

It took hours for all of this to be relayed and many tears. We requested that Dave notify the leaders of the conference as to Patrick's current legal status. We fully expected them to want Patrick to leave this family event. Patrick was walking around freely amongst unknowing families and children. When Dave called back he said Patrick was indeed going to stay. They felt it was good for him to hear the word of God that was being preached. If we wanted they could help us avoid seeing him by communicating with each other on cell phones as to his location.

Once again they deferred to Patrick. We left devastated.

We asked Dave if they had notified the leaders of the conference. He said that they had and that the leaders of the conference felt they didn't have the right to ask Patrick to leave. "All were welcome to attend." 


Dave Barrueto actually stated that our request for Patrick to leave was "unreasonable."

Over an hour after the last phone conversation, we were driving home from Overlake where the conference was held when we received another call from Dave Barrueto, who said, "Patrick had been thinking and decided to leave the conference so we could attend it." The actual conference only had about two hours left by this point and we were one and a half hours away. All of this originally started with a phone call to Dave at around 7am that morning. Now it was about 3pm. Our response to Dave: "It's too little, too late!"

I have a friend that gave me a card during this time that reads, on the outside:

"Sometimes it's appropriate to swear."!

On the inside, it said, 


"Like now."

Totally *!@#ing appropriate.......This was one of those moments!