Insensitive With A Purpose

We hadn't left the church yet but we were starting to have the distinct impression that if we didn't pretend like the others we would need to leave!

Sometime after the Valentines dinner, I went to a friend and expressed my deep hurt in the fact that the church had hosted this dinner and that she and her husband had attended the event. I went on to express that I would expect people in the church to be literally praying with us or the Rojas family (at this point we had no idea that Eddie and Kathy Rojas were involved nor did we have any idea of how deviant Patrick was).

Right after this conversation, my friend started orchestrating a prayer time for us. We were willing to show up for this, but didn't want the Rojas family there. While we didn't have information at this point, we sensed something wasn't right. It appeared they were in support of Patrick hiring an attorney.

Eric expressed this concern with our elder, Jim Cameron. Jim stated that Eddie and Kathy Rojas hadn't done anything wrong and made it clear they would be at the prayer time for our family. Jim also stated that if we didn't attend this prayer time, we were letting satan win and missing out on what God had for us.

A couple came over and pleaded for us to attend this prayer time. They felt it was vital for the congregation to see that we were devastated and broken--not angry and bitter (as some had said.) We showed up at the church against our better judgment. We brought a couple that did not attend that church to help filter what was happening.

The meeting started out being more of a question-and-answer time directed by Jim Cameron and Dave Barrueto. Eddie and Kathy Rojas sat quietly in the front row. We were asked how we would like the congregation to pray for us. We took that time to remind those in attendance that we had always been willing to talk to anyone who had questions. We stayed where we were seated while the prayers began.


Dave Barrueto actually ended the prayer time that was specifically for us with a prayer for Patrick. I couldn't barely stand it. I was sickened by that. Pray for Patrick--fine, but don't do it in my presence! This was another moment that was written off by most as, "Oh, this was just an innocent mistake." It wasn't simply a mistake! It was rude and insensitive! It was purposeful!

This was the last time we attended that church, but it took another devastating interaction with Patrick, the Rojas family, and the elders before we had the strength to actually officially leave the church.

Fear

One thing that I have noticed during all of what we've been through is that there is a huge fear of "the world" in this segment of "the church." Then the other extreme is to go with the societal worldly whim of the age. I would say that I would have fallen into the first group. I was fearful of being fooled by the world and the enemy.

The Bible teaches that if you have a problem with a brother, you are to go to that brother and work it out. If that doesn't work then you are to bring in the elders/pastor to help reconcile the issue. If the brother doesn't respond, the elders have the authority to shun them.(paraphrased) In theory I believe this. With the exception of a crime being committed.

This is where things went wrong in our situation.

It would seem that the pastor, Eddie Rojas, and elders, Dave Barrueto and Jim Cameron, don't believe that "the world" has any authority whatsoever in church matters.

That is also where I get hung up.

This was not a church matter. We were not deciding whether or not to build a church or change the time we met or if we should take communion every week or every other week. We had discovered that a child had been sexually molested.

Another place we got hung up: The elder's didn't agree that a child had been sexually molested. They just saw it as "inappropriate affections."

I shutter at the thought that if this would have happened to a different family in our congregation. They might have bought into the elders' rhetoric. I believe that people allow elders (who are just men) to handle matters that are far out of their league more often than we would like to admit. I believe that small conservative churches are the most vulnerable to fall into this misguided, dangerous thinking.

I am very grateful that both Eric and I had a check in our spirit and kept seeking God and asking questions.

Despite the attempts by leadership to conceal the true nature of Patrick and his crimes and despite the Rojas' attempts to control information and awareness in the church body.....the truth was revealed. But not without consequences.

On my entire Christian walk, I have been taught that we are Gods' hands, feet, and body and He is the head. That God works through us. That we as Christians are not suppose to just sit there and wait for something to fall out of the sky. That we are His vessels. We are an active part of what God is doing. But in a not so subtle way we were being told to "trust God." Interpretation: Don't ask questions. Just let the elder's handle it. They are the ones that God has placed in authority over this church. Dangerous! Very Dangerous!

Do not be afraid of getting help outside the church. The men that are in authority in a church are just that, men. If your family is dealing with issues such as a sexual crime being committed, depression, cutting, drugs and alcohol, or physical abuse, someone with an education in these matters must be consulted! Prayer over the issue by the elders is absolutely needed, but should not be the stopping point! There are many, many qualified counselors and therapists in our communities that have the proper understanding and education to deal with these matters along with solid biblical world views.

During everything that has happened in our family, we have seen three different counselors with different levels of education. It was important to have someone our children felt safe with that we as the parents also trusted. When our children saw counselors, one of us parents were in for part or all of the sessions. We were able to make sure we agreed with what was being discussed and we also were able to learn how to help our child in the healing process. Many of the sessions started or ended with prayer. Eric saw a PhD in psychology and biblical doctrine. This was vital, simply because we believe we had been in a cult-like church. Although we saw three different professionals with different levels of training that attended different Bible-believing churches, they all had the same view: we were in a church with some twisted views and doctrine. That was hard to swallow! I am considering a post in the future to explain this in more specific detail.

Bottom line...God uses the saved and unsaved to accomplish His will! Greater is he that is in you than he who is in the world. 1 John 4v4. We do not need to be afraid of the world if we are walking with God.

Starting Over

Starting over hasn't really been a choice it's been a necessity for our family. We were emotionally dying living in the small community where we would regularly run into or see the elder's and their families, Jairus Rojas, one child even saw Patrick. Every store we went into, I would need to scan for who was there. Community events were risky to attend. For us this has meant moving. I have told some, who have asked, I literally feel as if a black cloud has been lifted off of me since our move. I am not the only one in the family that feels that way. I know bad people are everywhere but it was bigger than that. I feel like I can breathe where we are now. I can live again.

Rebuilding of relationships, re-evaluating our church affiliation and what it means to be a follower of Christ, the raising of our children, our school choices, there is not one area of our lives untouched by the crimes that were committed against our child and the betrayals against our family.

Trying to start a new circle of friends and activities is overwhelming. All of our old friends not affiliated with "the church" are deeply entrenched in their own lives, their own traditions with others, and their own circle of friends. It is harder than I imagined to try and start over. It makes me sad. Then I have a little talk with myself and continue on. I have always been so reliant and dependent on my friends. Maybe that's one reason why the individual betrayals have hurt me so deeply. I have always put so much value on my friendships. I am constantly dialoging with myself as to whether I want friends anymore. Thanks to those of you who are sticking this battle out with me.

What happened has forced us to consider a life I never thought I would live in. I had a "moment" months ago when I realized I needed to stop trying to live the life I wanted and live the life I have. That was a breakthrough moment for me. Since then I have found the courage to make changes and we are continuing to change a lot in our life.

Some lingering side effects for me have been in the area of trusting, which makes it hard to start new relationships or rebuild old ones. Also, I haven't been able to separate (what happened) from attending a church. Our family went to church for the first time in a very, very long time on Easter. We went to honor Jesus on that day. It was very difficult. One of our children told me after we left that they hated church because it reminded them of "the church" and the people we use to fellowship with and it made that child feel bad having those memories. Two of the songs chosen that day for worship were specific songs that immediately brought my thoughts to "the church." I had to fight to focus my thoughts on Christ. I can't pretend it doesn't bother me and I know only God can free me from this.

Without starting over we had no chance to heal. That is much easier said than done!

Breathe....just breathe

I remember throughout everything that was happening in our family I would have to tell myself.....just breathe....just breathe.

One day I needed to run an errand with one of my children and we were in the fabric store and this song was playing over head, it caught my attention, here are some of the lyrics....

No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Whoa breathe, just breath

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belong to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to.....

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
whoa breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.
*Anna Nalick - Breathe

Now in many of my posts I have mentioned that Kathy Rojas knew of her son, Patrick's, pedophilia behavior. It has been very upsetting over time as I have reflected on some of the interactions between myself and Kathy during this time. The original non emotion at the meeting at our home, with only a whisper of, "I'm sorry it was my son." Followed by a phone call a few nights later after I didn't show up at a women's book study letting me know that she missed me and wanted to know how I was doing. This was within hours of us just receiving a call from a man stating he was Patrick's lawyer who wanted to know the name of the Sheriff's detective who we spoke with.

We discovered what happened to our child on January 04, 2007. January 10, I started to receive cards from Kathy. One thing that struck me at the time was there was never any reference to what happened, they all contained personal messages that had the same theme: she loved me, they all loved us, God is faithful, God is in control, to trust in Jesus, that our family was continually in their prayers, these specific bible references:


Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

1 Peter 5:7 - casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

She sent me the words printed out to, 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus and a lengthy poem written by Renee Rojas......will you trust in Me though the journey is hard? Will you trust in me; Will you give Me your heart?....the basic theme of the poem.

breathe....just breathe.

Kathy never bothers to mention the fact that she knows her son is a pedophile or maybe a little I'm sorry I didn't protect your family and I allowed my son, who is a sexual predator, to stay the night at your home. Or maybe a, my heart is broken for you, I know the agony you are feeling right now. 


She just felt it urgent to tell me to "trust God." 


 Meaning what exactly? 


 Kind of like how they "trusted God" by hiding the truth and by going into hiding?

breathe....just breathe.

Another very long letter I received in April from a woman in the church ended with, "It's not about this trial that your facing, it's about God. He wants you to trust Him in it. I will continue to pray for you and your family to grow in Jesus...." This woman and her husband wrote a letter to the judge on behalf of Patrick. This family continues to attend the church.
breathe....just breathe.

There were other situations where an elder's wife wanted me to attend an annual homeschool planning meeting with Kathy Rojas. This person just could not wrap her mind around the fact that I was unable to be in the same room and act like there wasn't an elephant in the room.
breathe....just breathe.

 There were some other gatherings that various families hosted, such as a musical recital, and they would invite the Rojas family (including Patrick) and our family. The Rojas family would show in force as if all was fine and we would be considered angry and bitter for not attending.
breathe....just breathe.

Because we reported a crime, because we were in mourning, because we set boundaries, because we wanted justice, we were not "trusting God?"

How about this, we "trusted God" to bring to light all that was hidden in darkness! And He did! 

Now we are trusting God to shine a light on the area that Eddie and Kathy Rojas are in hiding!
breathe....just breathe.

Jairus Rojas

In previous posts I have referenced that Jairus Rojas also knew that his brother was a sex predator. I had a phone conversation with Jairus, in January 2008, I used this opportunity to confirm that Jairus had knowledge of Patrick's pedophilia behavior in reference to his victim's prior to our child being victimized. Jairus Rojas has been an adult the entire time we have known him. Jairus knew Patrick was tutoring one of our children and that Patrick was spending time with our family regularly. Jairus also knew Patrick was staying overnight at our home. Jairus never warned us.

In my opinion, Jairus Rojas, is as much to blame for the sexual abuse of my child as is his parents, Eddie and Kathy Rojas and his brother,the sex offender, Patrick David Rojas! Jairus never came forward during the investigation to talk to the sheriff''s detective. Jairus stayed silent along with his father, mother, and the elders of the church. Jairus and Eddie loaned Patrick the $10,000.00 to retain his slick Seattle attorney.

In January of 2oo8, just after Christmas and the New Years our family received a Christmas card in the mail from Benjamin and Jairus Rojas. It was unbelievable! I was speechless! Inside the card there was a personal message, "May God's peace fill your hearts in this coming year and may He pour out His blessings upon you. Love in Christ, Jairus and Benjamin." I was so enraged at how insensitive they were to have sent us a Christmas card. Both Jairus and Benjamin were supporting their brother, Patrick, and had not even taken the time to read his evaluation or know really what Patrick was capable of or even what he had done to our child.

This was when I called Jairus and confronted him about some of the things I have already mentioned in this and other posts. In the same phone conversation even as Jairus was trying to tell me that he and Patrick had no secrets and that it was the will of God for Jairus to stand along side his brother, I made the discovery he didn't have any idea of really who he was supporting. He hadn't even read Patrick's evaluation. Jairus didn't even have knowledge of the incest with a consenting adult "named relative" that Patrick was involved with (this was happening under Jairus's own nose in his own home). I also learned in that conversation that Jairus was in full support of his father's decision to go into hiding with the rest of the family. Jairus was conned into believing that Eddie had no choice and that if he didn't run that the minor girls would be taken away by the State. I can assure you unless the State found that Eddie was sexually abusing his own children that all the State wanted to do was ask questions about their relationship with Patrick.

All Jairus could say was that Patrick was repentant and Jairus knew he was to love his brother. Again, what planet are these people from? Patrick had been successfully lying to him and living a double life for 7 years. Patrick is a conman. But Jairus foolishly believes Patrick is somehow different now. What does he base his logic on?

I often wonder what else the Rojas family is hiding? Their actions seem full of guilt! Why is Eddie REALLY in hiding?

Evil takes hold when good men do not speak out!
~Anonymous

Another related post "Anonymous"

Is It Worth It ?

Was it worth it?

Is it worth it?

Was there really any other choice?

I know in theory we have a choice in everything. Some things, from my point of view, really don't leave any alternatives, or at least the alternative is not something I am willing to live with.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.~Martin Luther King Jr.

I'd like to explore the: What if we didn't call the police, question?

If you have read my previous posts and can assume some of the actions of the pastor (the predator's father) and elders stayed the same, than I come to some logical conclusions. It is logical to conclude we would have never known that our child was sexually molested beyond "a few kisses," and that our family would have been counseled by the elders that true forgiveness meant fellowshipping again with Patrick (the abuser,) the "relatives" that Patrick had sexually abused would still be vulnerable of being his victims again, Patrick would be able to pursue a career in any field (including working with children,) Patrick would certainly add more victims to his resume, and our child would not have received the proper help and would be a continuous victim (literally and/or emotionally).


I know some adults do not report the crime of childhood sexual abuse. There are a variety of reasons why an adult would choose not to report such a heinous crime. I submit to you, if you do not report a crime of sexual abuse against a child you are also an abuser of the child. You are the trusted adult that is suppose to protect the child. You should get the child help. I believe also that if you do not report a sexual predator....you are actively playing a part in any future crimes that the predator commits!!

I want you to think about this: If Eddie would have educated himself on pedophilia the first time he discovered that Patrick had sexually abused one of his "nameless relatives" at age 15, (which according to Patrick's evaluation was his first victim.) Assuming with the knowledge of the danger Patrick posed, as part of being a responsible adult and parent, Eddie would have sought out the proper help for the "nameless relative" and reported Patrick and properly protected others from Patrick. Then five children could have been spared the trauma and devastation of being sexually molested!

Instead, Eddie and Kathy Rojas chose to stay purposefully ignorant at the expense of innocent children (some I believe to be their own.)

I do not want to in any way be part of hiding or keeping secret any information that might possibly help protect children from being victimized by Patrick (or anyone else involved in hiding his crimes or hiding that he is a predator.) Also, I hope that if nothing else, this brings awareness to parents and anyone that is responsible for children, assuming the statistics are correct, and 1 in 5 boys are sexually molested and 1 in 3 girls are sexually molested before the age of 18, this is an epidemic! Flushing these predators out into the light, by demanding tougher laws with real prison sentences for sexually motivated crimes against children, and by educating ourselves on the issue of childhood sexual abuse www.darkness2light.org/ we will start to turn around this epidemic.

The change starts with you and with me! Are you willing to be an advocate for children? Are you willing to call and e-mail your State representatives? Are you willing to forward this blog to your contacts?

All that our family has suffered and endured, because we reported the sexual abuse of our child and put a spotlight on Patrick Rojas and the Rojas family, is worth knowing that we have done everything in our power to protect potential future victims from Patrick. We have made sure that our child knew that they were believed, innocent of wrong doing, and that they received proper help to deal with the physical and emotional trauma that sexual molestation can cause. Our child knows that their parents will stand up and protect them.

Is it worth reporting the crime of childhood sexual abuse?

A resounding YES, One Thousand Yeses!!

How could we not?

How could you not?

Pretending Status Quo

I remember wondering how the majority of our church congregation just went right on with life as normal. I get that every church event could not stop because we were in crisis, but I guess I expected some sort of acknowledgment from others in the church that they were concerned for us. Our church congregation was small and normally everyone was involved in each others lives. So for this to be going on in our life and for the "normal church activities" to continue with only a very few people reaching out to support us was very confusing.

From my view, our church was in crisis. The pastor's adult son had victimized our child and the police were involved, should not people be asking questions? Instead questions were considered "gossip" and the congregation bought that hook, line, and sinker.

One of the events that really bothered me was when the leadership decided to have a "Valentines dinner" for the married couples.(about 1 month into everything) Of course, we were invited.....WHAT??....What planet were these people from? I just could not act as if nothing happened. My child was being interviewed by a sexual assault specialist, we were being interviewed by the sheriff investigating the case, we were being contacted by Patrick's lawyer, we were finding out more and more information about pedophiles and how they operate, we were being told that Patrick was refusing to cooperate with the state, and we were realizing that our leaders were in fact minimizing the sexual abuse of a child--our child.

Somehow during this I had the presence of mind to realize the best thing we could do for our child was acknowledge that a crime did in fact occur. That was the start of my conviction to really live this out. We were not going to pretend that everything was as if it was before the victimization of our child. We were going to deal with this now...in hopes of saving our child from a life time of "stuffing their emotions" and hopefully minimize the long term damage and hold that sexual molestation can have on an individual.

When it became clear that the elders were in on the cover up (by their own admission at a church meeting) and that the Rojas's had gone on the run with their children. Eric and I felt, that anyone that didn't know what the right thing to do was (by this point), then it was too late!

The families that stayed really communicated by their actions (or non-action) which side they were on. YES, at this point we believed there was a clear right side to be on and a clear wrong side both morally and biblically. We felt it was necessary to cut ourselves from any family that was still standing along side the elders and the church during that time. None of this was done lightly or without much personal grief. All of our children suffered on different levels, especially by losing friendships that had been nurtured for six years. All of our regular activities were affected by this, we had built a community with these families. We had literally moved our family so we could be closer to the church and more involved with this church community.

We were homeschooling so when I say we were isolated now, I really mean it. Something died inside of me when all those families continued on. I don't even know how to adequately express what happened inside of me.

How could we communicate to our children that you only stand up for what is right if it is easy or convenient?

Many of the families that continued on with the church eventually left the church. I am not really sure why they finally left. There is still a core group that have stayed on.

We have had one family come to us personally and ask for forgiveness for the way they treated us during that time. They were sincere and I believe honestly understood what grief their actions caused us. They were also realistic and knew although we forgave them, everything was different now and did not expect us to be friends. The husband ended up writing a very long letter outlining (from a biblical point of view,) how the church should have handled this situation and how to respond to an un-repentant Patrick as a Christian. His letter was sent to all the church members and some other leaders that support what the Rojas family has done. What was strange to us was everything in his letter, we had been saying all through the court process (remember this went from January to August), but we didn't have scriptures attached to every statement. Thankfully his letter did seem to open the eyes of some.

We have a friend that always refers to the "ripple effect" that Patrick's crime caused. Like when you drop a rock in the water and you see the ripples expand further and further from that one little stone.

I pray that the "ripple effect" from this little blog will grow and grow and grow and shine light into the darkness, be helpful to some, healing to others, and mean freedom for the Rojas girls!