Is This Blog Still Helping?

I need to hear from you. I believe I have given all the main details to our story in this blog. I can see that the blog has reached many places in our country. I believe that people are looking for Eddie Rojas and his family. I can only hope that Eddie will eventually be turned in to the authorities. I also still pray that the girls in the family that were victimized by Patrick and now by their parents will some day receive the proper help to process and heal from all of what has happened and is still happening to them.

Now what? I am wondering if it is still beneficial for me to continue to process through my struggles and healing on this public blog or if I should just continue the process in my small circle of friends. I am wondering if my process is helpful for the people reading this or if it is just another blog to follow. I am asking to hear from you.

You can simply click on the "This post was helpful" box at the bottom of the post or make a comment. Some individuals have told me they are having trouble posting comments, if you post anonymous I believe that eliminates any issues. If you want to be known just add your name in the comment portion.

Do I throw the baby out with the bath water?

There are traditions and activities that my family misses--traditions that were established during our time with our former church and the Rojas family. I am trying to figure out a way in which I am able to do some of those traditions or activities without feeling sick to my stomach. I want to throw it all out the window.

We were connected with this congregation for five-plus years. My older children were around six and eight years old when we started attending that church. We also had a two-year-old and a newborn. I then went on to have two more children while still attending this church.

With that said, a lot of family traditions were established during this time. Our family was continuing to grow and change. Many memories are intertwined with the Rojas family itself and other members of the congregation that we really don't fellowship with anymore. Church itself has such a negative connotation because of our story.

I start having a harder time around the end of October, as we enter all the traditions of the holiday season. How do I reflect and remember my family's life and traditions and separate out the individuals associated with the memories? This is so hard! I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water....

Righteous Anger

I had a conversation with a friend that has literally walked along side our family in all of this madness. My friend has an understanding of everything my family has been through. She knows me. She knows my heart. I can talk with her openly about my thoughts and struggles. After our conversation I feel like I have a better understanding of where I am at and how forgiveness fits in.

I feel like I had some sort of a breakthrough this week.

I appreciate that forgiveness takes time. I can appreciate that forgiveness is between myself and God. I understand that forgiveness is required by God. I understand that I am a sinner and that I was forgiven by God. But I tangibly struggle with the idea of forgiveness. If I still feel pain, if I still want justice, if I still get physically ill when specific individuals are mentioned, how can that be forgiveness?

In my conversation with my friend, something particularly resonated with me: the thought that yes, without a doubt, I need to work out the whole forgiveness issue with God. But the negative feelings that I have--the thoughts that come to mind when I consider what happened to our family, the thoughts about what Patrick did, the thoughts that come to mind when I realize Eddie is still in hiding, and the thoughts about all the other individuals that we loved and trusted that were involved in the betrayal--those feelings are righteous anger.

That righteous anger has a purpose. I think I'm learning to be OK with that.

The Cast of Characters

The cast of characters that played villain roles extends beyond Patrick. How do I extend forgiveness to them? The obvious ones would be Eddie and Kathy Rojas. Jairus Rojas is definitely a main player in the game of deceit and accountability. Jim Cameron is in a category of his own. Let's not forget about Dave Barrueto, an elder in the church. Not to mention many in the congregation itself.

What do I do with all of this?

Breathe in...breathe out...I wish if I just spoke the words, "I forgive," all the memories, all the conversations, and all the hurt would be gone. Alas, it's all still there. It does not consume my every thought anymore, but it does continually affect me in my daily life.

Forgiveness....Is it for me?

Forgiveness is such a hard topic for me. Christians commonly tell me that my act of forgiveness would really be for my benefit more than for Patrick's. I'm not sure that makes it any easier.

Once upon a time, forgiveness seemed so straightforward. When I first became a mom, I can remember teaching my children that if someone said, "I'm sorry," the appropriate response was, "I forgive you." It was that simple. Forgiveness meant forgive and forget.

Forgiveness does not seem so straightforward to me anymore.

Forgiveness for Patrick feels to me like I am letting him off the hook. I will never forget what Patrick did to my child, or the tidal wave of change that resulted from his act. I cannot fathom ever wishing anything good for Patrick. I do pray that Patrick doesn't have the chance to ever victimize another child. Does that count?

Anthony Sowell

I am feeling overwhelmed with the magnitude of the problem of sex offenders living amongst us.

Current unimaginable real life story about Anthony Sowell, convicted rapist arrested with 10 decaying bodies in his Cleveland home.....By Ethan Sacks

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2009/11/04/2009-11-04_rapist_with_10_bodies_at_his_ohio_home_denied_bond.html#ixzz0VvM9ZQRl

Another article:

I am afraid of who God will allow in my life

Out of sheer necessity, I have to begin to extent trust to individuals. My mind is my own worst enemy. I find myself questioning the motives of everyone. I can't even trust my own instincts anymore. I am afraid of who God will allow in my life. I find myself taking forward steps, then freezing. Then sometimes retreating in the area of trust.

Trust is given away easily by some. Others need time in order to gain trust. When I extend trust, there is always this little voice in the back of my head recounting all the reasons the Rojas family seemed trustworthy.

When you say to yourself, "so and so is trustworthy for this reason or that reason" well, I could probably apply that very same reason to the Rojas family. By all accounts, appearances and reputation, the Rojas family was trustworthy. They seemed honest, God-fearing, hardworking, generous with time and gifts, loyal, kind and thoughtful. What was not to like or trust about them? I was so completely deceived and betrayed by numerous individuals in the Rojas family. It makes me wonder if I am forever jaded by their ability to appear to be so completely one way, yet be something so completely different. What do I do with that?

Is my only option to completely shut myself and everyone else in my family off from others? I don't like that option. But how do I allow my children to spend time with others and not feel like I am putting them at risk?

After my own experiences as a child and after what happened to my family from within the Christian community, I don't even know what healing in this area would look like. Is this just who I am now?