If someone asks him, ‘What are these wounds on your body?’ he will answer, ‘The wounds I was given at the house of my friends.’ Zech 13 v 6

Monday, November 2, 2009

I am afraid of who God will allow in my life

Out of sheer necessity, I have to begin to extent trust to individuals. My mind is my own worst enemy. I find myself questioning the motives of everyone. I can't even trust my own instincts anymore. I am afraid of who God will allow in my life. I find myself taking forward steps, then freezing. Then sometimes retreating in the area of trust.

Trust is given away easily by some. Others need time in order to gain trust. When I extend trust, there is always this little voice in the back of my head recounting all the reasons the Rojas family seemed trustworthy.

When you say to yourself, "so and so is trustworthy for this reason or that reason" well, I could probably apply that very same reason to the Rojas family. By all accounts, appearances and reputation, the Rojas family was trustworthy. They seemed honest, God-fearing, hardworking, generous with time and gifts, loyal, kind and thoughtful. What was not to like or trust about them? I was so completely deceived and betrayed by numerous individuals in the Rojas family. It makes me wonder if I am forever jaded by their ability to appear to be so completely one way, yet be something so completely different. What do I do with that?

Is my only option to completely shut myself and everyone else in my family off from others? I don't like that option. But how do I allow my children to spend time with others and not feel like I am putting them at risk?

After my own experiences as a child and after what happened to my family from within the Christian community, I don't even know what healing in this area would look like. Is this just who I am now?


Regina said...

Danielle, I know this has to be hard for you. I haven't been there myself, but I know your desire is to, first and foremost, protect your children and help teach them how to protect themselves. I believe this will involve extending trust. But that doesn't mean you have to extend complete trust all in one shot. Perhaps one day you agree on some sort of group activity -- something where all the kids are in a public place together and the adults are all present. If your child needs to be away from the group (bathroom, whatever), you go with them. Maybe after a while you can feel comfortable enough to take a step back, but you don't have to put yourself on a hard and fast schedule with that.

One step at a time, dearheart, and trusting the Lord each step of the way.

freddyeddy said...

I can only tell you that after 6 years, I still do not trust very many people very far. Ironically, because the process is so slow, your children grow to the point where it honestly does become less of an issue.

I am so sorry...for you, your children, our child, ...on and on it goes.

Don't give up. Don't stop struggling. Don't stop being honest and open. I truly believe your blog is making an impact.