If someone asks him, ‘What are these wounds on your body?’ he will answer, ‘The wounds I was given at the house of my friends.’ Zech 13 v 6

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

There are so few appropriate words....

Song For A Friend

click the song title for the link to hear the song

"There are so few appropriate words.....and everything that I try to say ends up coming out
absurd so I'm not ganna say anything to you....I'm just ganna stand by your side...I'm just ganna, hold your hand tight....I'm just ganna, stand by your side until it's through................... I could say that I love you a hundred times....then I go turn my back on you those words prove to be lies...so I'm not ganna say anything to you....I'm just ganna stand by your side...I'm just ganna, hold your hand tight....I'm just ganna, stand by your side until it's through.

There are so few appropriate words.....and everything that I try to say ends up coming out
absurd so I'm not ganna say anything to you....I'm just ganna stand by your side...I'm just ganna, hold your hand tight....I'm just ganna, stand by your side until it's through................... I could say that I love you a hundred times....then I go turn my back on you ....those words prove to be lies...so I'm not ganna say anything to you....I'm just ganna stand by your side...I'm just ganna, hold your hand tight....I'm just ganna, stand by your side until it's through." An amazingly beautiful song I saw performed live by artist Kelli Schaefer.

This song expresses so appropriately how to be a friend in the midst of a crisis. Just be available. Be sensitive to the spirit. Be ready to be an advocate when appropriate.

I am so grateful for the individuals that have walked along side of me for the past 3years. These friends lived out this song. They are still by my side....holding my hand tight....and I trust they will see me through this....however long it takes.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

C.S. Lewis

"There is not safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no-one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell." ~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I was handed this quote from a good friend months ago....she warned me that it might be a tough one to read. It was. I read it and then neatly folded it back up. I have been carrying it around in my daily planner for a while now. Over the months I would occasionally run into the folded piece of paper with my name so nicely written on the outside. I am now in a place where I am able to have this quote open and facing me on a daily basis reminding me to open up. That closing off out of my pain will only kill me inside.

Monday, November 16, 2009

There are holes in my heart.

Don't get me wrong. I do think about the families from our former church that we were closest to. I wonder about their children. I wonder if they are healthy and how this whole madness has effected them and how it will effect their future. But to live out the reality of what has happened to my family, I need to let go. I have tried to imagine being connected to certain individuals (assuming the elephant in the room was dealt with), but practically speaking, I cannot separate the connections, forgiveness aside. I can see forgiveness. I just cannot see reconciliation of the friendship.

I have waited a long time to make a clean and clear cut and quit some friendships. I believe my decision is the best for all parties involved. Some of the best decisions I have made in my life have been the hardest to live out. I have holes in my heart from the loss of some of these relationships.

A friend recently made a comment that gave me a word picture of the reality of moving on: "I hope you can build a big callous over the pain that others have caused you so that it won't hurt so much." I like this so much because it is real. She is not saying. "Forgive and it will be erased." She is not saying, "Move on." She is not minimizing the raw pain. She recognizes that pain is part of my life. I have to say this has been one comment about moving on and forgiveness that didn't offend me or cause me to say to myself, "This person just doesn't get it."

I have chosen to let go and try to only remember the good parts of certain friendships. Certain meals I make, stores I shop at, and personal items that were gifts--they all remind me of the days with those friends, before the crimes against our child occurred. The times when life seemed much simpler. The times before I had to draw a line in the sand.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

If you love me, then let me go.

The ripple effect continues into the next generation.....

I should be there to celebrate with you.

But I can't be, I just cannot be. Simply put, this is a ripple effect of actions taken and choices made. Mine included. If you love me, then let me go. Know that I wish your family well, but let me go.

In the last six months, I have had a couple of former friends from our former church reach out to me in different ways. And it hurts. The contacts are well intended but not very thoughtful. Read the blog. Look at my actions. We have had virtually no contact in months upon months. I am not in your life. I have let go. This is what I have to do to move on. I do not know what more I can say to help you understand.

If you know me, you know I am incapable of pretending and I do not think it is healthy to compartmentalize. It hurts when I allow myself to consider every event I could attend. Everything I would have helped with or been involved in if it were not for all the layers of betrayal. I was fully invested. I saw our futures together. It is what it is. I hurt and you hurt. You are dealing with it in your way, but I am asking, Please "If you love me, to let me go."

What can the average person learn from my current struggle? Maybe not to just pretend the elephant isn't in the room. Maybe that some things are so complicated and intertwined that status-quo is out of the question. Maybe that actions can have long term painful consequences that effect future generations.

Maybe simply that I am heartbroken over this reality.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Open Letter From The Grandmother

My mother (Grandma) believes that Eddie Rojas himself reads my blog and has asked me to post a letter to him from her.


First to clear the air: unless you have been a victim or like me, have had a daughter and granddaughter sexually molested, you can not know the depth and breadth of the emotions I have experienced.

For the first six months after the 911 call was made by the Schneiders' to report Patrick, I was angry. That anger slowly built into a deep-seated, burning hatred. Hatred toward Eddie, Kathy, Jairus and Patrick Rojas. Hatred also towards Jim and Claudia Cameron and Dave and Becky Barrueto. Some of them had early knowledge that could have saved our family from this horrific experience. All withheld information which inhibited the counseling process for the Schneiders. All withheld information preventing the proper prosecution of Patrick Rojas for his crimes against our granddaughter. Because of their leadership role, the Cameron's and Barrueto's were able to get members of our church to assist them in hiding the Rojas girls from C.P.S. This prevented Patrick's other victims from getting professional Christian based counseling outside the influence of his family. This also has prevented Patrick from being prosecuted for numerous instances of sexual molestation committed against five additional victims.

The last few weeks I've felt my hatred lifting but feel it can only be purged by addressing Eddie directly.

Judy McBee

To: Eddie Rojas,

How dare you use our three granddaughters as bait to test your son; that's exactly what you did.

One small act on your part (stopping Patrick from spending those nights at the Schneider's home) would have prevented the violations of our granddaughter. You knew Patrick had previously sexually molested at least two of his sisters. Months before your sons assaults of our granddaughter, Eric spoke to you about Patrick's regular e-mails to her. He told you it made him uncomfortable for your son to be e-mailing his eleven year old daughter. You knew Patrick was a pedophile and that he "had his eyes" on our granddaughter but you did nothing to intervene. You set our family up! PURE EVIL are the best words to describe YOU!

You, Kathy, Jairus and Patrick are equally and morally responsible for the harm done our family. Let's not forget that your actions also broke up our church congregation.

It is said, "bad kids can come from good families." After reading the copy of Patrick's psycho sexual evaluation my husband requested and received from the prosecutor's office, I know yours is not a "good family."

What kind of parents allow a known pedophile to continue to reside in their home where there are six minor girls? What kind of parents could allow that pedophile to babysit? What kind of father administers corporal punishment to his adult children? How many other monsters have you created?

The elders stated that you fled because C.P.S. would remove your minor children from your home and place them in abusive foster homes? Bull! Some say you fled to prevent Patrick, "a lovely, godly young man" from incarceration in prison. Bull, again! Kathy is still lying to people about the reason her family fled. Kathy states that their family is being persecuted for their religious beliefs. Bull! Bull! Bull! Your motives were much more selfish. I believe you left to prevent exposure of what else really goes on inside your household. Eddie, have you or any of your other sons sexually molested your daughters or your friends children?

Your family has left a trail of deceit and devastation.

With Contempt,
Judy McBee

P.S. My hope is that someone close to you will finally wake up one day and say to themselves "enough is enough," then they pick up a phone and call 911.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Why Do You Still Try To Include Me?

Dear former friends,

I am not who I used to be. I would rather make a clean cut with the life that led to my child's victimization. If the invitation you send to me is for my benefit, then please do not bother. I moved away for a reason. I didn't send a forwarding address for a reason. I'm not your facebook friend. I do not call you. Do you really not get it?

It hurts me more to be your friend than not to be. It's not worth it for me to continue in fellowship with you. It is too hard for me to separate you from the other people that you still choose to fellowship with, or the role you played in supporting the Rojas family or the elders. I realize how selfish this sounds, but I see it more as self preservation.

We all have made choices in this whole madness. I choose to separate myself from the hurt. Please just let me go. Do not feel obligated to invite me to any events. I prefer to grieve the loss of your fellowship and move on.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I Would Trade It All

Eddie and Kathy, I would trade all the meals, child care, tutoring, family game nights, spiritual guidance from you for the knowledge that Patrick was a pedophile. You knew! I would give it all up to have had a choice.

Jairus, I would trade all the handy work you did around our home, your painting skills, the weeding you did for us, if you would have just stopped your brother Patrick from hanging around our family. I would trade it all if you would have just intervened and
thwarted Patrick's plan of staying the night at our home. You knew!

General congregation members....I would trade all the meals, times at your homes, child care, financial help, homeschooling help, personal encouragement, holiday gatherings with you, if you would have taken a stand for our family. If you had cut off relationships with the guilty parties once you knew the truth. If you hadn't joined the elders in the cover-up of the truth. If you would recant your letters of reference for an admitted sex offender who victimized my own child.

You had all the information. You knew and did nothing.

All the good deeds seem rotten now.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Is This Blog Still Helping?

I need to hear from you. I believe I have given all the main details to our story in this blog. I can see that the blog has reached many places in our country. I believe that people are looking for Eddie Rojas and his family. I can only hope that Eddie will eventually be turned in to the authorities. I also still pray that the girls in the family that were victimized by Patrick and now by their parents will some day receive the proper help to process and heal from all of what has happened and is still happening to them.

Now what? I am wondering if it is still beneficial for me to continue to process through my struggles and healing on this public blog or if I should just continue the process in my small circle of friends. I am wondering if my process is helpful for the people reading this or if it is just another blog to follow. I am asking to hear from you.

You can simply click on the "This post was helpful" box at the bottom of the post or make a comment. Some individuals have told me they are having trouble posting comments, if you post anonymous I believe that eliminates any issues. If you want to be known just add your name in the comment portion.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Do I throw the baby out with the bath water?

There are traditions and activities that my family misses--traditions that were established during our time with our former church and the Rojas family. I am trying to figure out a way in which I am able to do some of those traditions or activities without feeling sick to my stomach. I want to throw it all out the window.

We were connected with this congregation for five-plus years. My older children were around six and eight years old when we started attending that church. We also had a two-year-old and a newborn. I then went on to have two more children while still attending this church.

With that said, a lot of family traditions were established during this time. Our family was continuing to grow and change. Many memories are intertwined with the Rojas family itself and other members of the congregation that we really don't fellowship with anymore. Church itself has such a negative connotation because of our story.

I start having a harder time around the end of October, as we enter all the traditions of the holiday season. How do I reflect and remember my family's life and traditions and separate out the individuals associated with the memories? This is so hard! I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water....

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Righteous Anger

I had a conversation with a friend that has literally walked along side our family in all of this madness. My friend has an understanding of everything my family has been through. She knows me. She knows my heart. I can talk with her openly about my thoughts and struggles. After our conversation I feel like I have a better understanding of where I am at and how forgiveness fits in.

I feel like I had some sort of a breakthrough this week.

I appreciate that forgiveness takes time. I can appreciate that forgiveness is between myself and God. I understand that forgiveness is required by God. I understand that I am a sinner and that I was forgiven by God. But I tangibly struggle with the idea of forgiveness. If I still feel pain, if I still want justice, if I still get physically ill when specific individuals are mentioned, how can that be forgiveness?

In my conversation with my friend, something particularly resonated with me: the thought that yes, without a doubt, I need to work out the whole forgiveness issue with God. But the negative feelings that I have--the thoughts that come to mind when I consider what happened to our family, the thoughts about what Patrick did, the thoughts that come to mind when I realize Eddie is still in hiding, and the thoughts about all the other individuals that we loved and trusted that were involved in the betrayal--those feelings are righteous anger.

That righteous anger has a purpose. I think I'm learning to be OK with that.

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Cast of Characters

The cast of characters that played villain roles extends beyond Patrick. How do I extend forgiveness to them? The obvious ones would be Eddie and Kathy Rojas. Jairus Rojas is definitely a main player in the game of deceit and accountability. Jim Cameron is in a category of his own. Let's not forget about Dave Barrueto, an elder in the church. Not to mention many in the congregation itself.

What do I do with all of this?

Breathe in...breathe out...I wish if I just spoke the words, "I forgive," all the memories, all the conversations, and all the hurt would be gone. Alas, it's all still there. It does not consume my every thought anymore, but it does continually affect me in my daily life.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Forgiveness....Is it for me?

Forgiveness is such a hard topic for me. Christians commonly tell me that my act of forgiveness would really be for my benefit more than for Patrick's. I'm not sure that makes it any easier.

Once upon a time, forgiveness seemed so straightforward. When I first became a mom, I can remember teaching my children that if someone said, "I'm sorry," the appropriate response was, "I forgive you." It was that simple. Forgiveness meant forgive and forget.

Forgiveness does not seem so straightforward to me anymore.

Forgiveness for Patrick feels to me like I am letting him off the hook. I will never forget what Patrick did to my child, or the tidal wave of change that resulted from his act. I cannot fathom ever wishing anything good for Patrick. I do pray that Patrick doesn't have the chance to ever victimize another child. Does that count?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Anthony Sowell

I am feeling overwhelmed with the magnitude of the problem of sex offenders living amongst us.

Current unimaginable real life story about Anthony Sowell, convicted rapist arrested with 10 decaying bodies in his Cleveland home.....By Ethan Sacks

Monday, November 2, 2009

I am afraid of who God will allow in my life

Out of sheer necessity, I have to begin to extent trust to individuals. My mind is my own worst enemy. I find myself questioning the motives of everyone. I can't even trust my own instincts anymore. I am afraid of who God will allow in my life. I find myself taking forward steps, then freezing. Then sometimes retreating in the area of trust.

Trust is given away easily by some. Others need time in order to gain trust. When I extend trust, there is always this little voice in the back of my head recounting all the reasons the Rojas family seemed trustworthy.

When you say to yourself, "so and so is trustworthy for this reason or that reason" well, I could probably apply that very same reason to the Rojas family. By all accounts, appearances and reputation, the Rojas family was trustworthy. They seemed honest, God-fearing, hardworking, generous with time and gifts, loyal, kind and thoughtful. What was not to like or trust about them? I was so completely deceived and betrayed by numerous individuals in the Rojas family. It makes me wonder if I am forever jaded by their ability to appear to be so completely one way, yet be something so completely different. What do I do with that?

Is my only option to completely shut myself and everyone else in my family off from others? I don't like that option. But how do I allow my children to spend time with others and not feel like I am putting them at risk?

After my own experiences as a child and after what happened to my family from within the Christian community, I don't even know what healing in this area would look like. Is this just who I am now?