If someone asks him, ‘What are these wounds on your body?’ he will answer, ‘The wounds I was given at the house of my friends.’ Zech 13 v 6

Monday, November 16, 2009

There are holes in my heart.

Don't get me wrong. I do think about the families from our former church that we were closest to. I wonder about their children. I wonder if they are healthy and how this whole madness has effected them and how it will effect their future. But to live out the reality of what has happened to my family, I need to let go. I have tried to imagine being connected to certain individuals (assuming the elephant in the room was dealt with), but practically speaking, I cannot separate the connections, forgiveness aside. I can see forgiveness. I just cannot see reconciliation of the friendship.

I have waited a long time to make a clean and clear cut and quit some friendships. I believe my decision is the best for all parties involved. Some of the best decisions I have made in my life have been the hardest to live out. I have holes in my heart from the loss of some of these relationships.

A friend recently made a comment that gave me a word picture of the reality of moving on: "I hope you can build a big callous over the pain that others have caused you so that it won't hurt so much." I like this so much because it is real. She is not saying. "Forgive and it will be erased." She is not saying, "Move on." She is not minimizing the raw pain. She recognizes that pain is part of my life. I have to say this has been one comment about moving on and forgiveness that didn't offend me or cause me to say to myself, "This person just doesn't get it."

I have chosen to let go and try to only remember the good parts of certain friendships. Certain meals I make, stores I shop at, and personal items that were gifts--they all remind me of the days with those friends, before the crimes against our child occurred. The times when life seemed much simpler. The times before I had to draw a line in the sand.

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