Lawyer

I am still irritated that I had to attain a lawyer in order to hopefully secure a no-contact order for our child. Today we meet the lawyer. I am especially upset because now my child has to play an active roll in this.

A few nights ago I decided it was time to have a serious one on one with this child about what has been currently going on. I wanted to make sure the no-contact order was important to the child since they were now going to be involved in the process of getting one. My child had already expressed a fear that Patrick would contact the child after his probation period no longer legally restrained him from doing so. I hate this! My child in general is uncomfortable talking about all of this and I would rather bare the burden for my child. Even though my child will now be required to discuss aspects of the victimization with the lawyer my child wants to press on. My child really wants the sense of safety that the no-contact order will bring.

I realize plenty of abusers ignore no-contact orders but the legal boundaries that a no-contact will provide does give us a sense of safety. Imagined or not, that goes a long way for a child.

Proactive

The true division of humanity is between those who live in light and those who live in darkness. Our aim must be to diminish the number of the latter and increase the number of the former. That is why we demand education and knowledge~Victor Hugo

What matters to me the most right now is that you, the reader is aware that there is a real and true epidemic amongst you. Not talking about it will not make it go away. Not talking about it will not protect your children.

Have you taken the time to educate yourself on the Darknesstolight website? Have you taken the time to discuss this very important issue with your spouse, friends, pastor, educators, and coaches?

Think About It

What can be learned from Our Story and Her Story?

Often a sexually abused child acts out their victimization on other little children. This can happen at the time of their victimization or as they grow into puberty. This seems to be more common with boys than with the girls. Although there are women pedophiles.

Secrecy only perpetuates the victimization of other individuals.

Childhood sexual abuse can have devastating long term consequences if not properly dealt with.

Pedophiles commonly molest adolescent boys and girls.

Childhood sexual abuse is devastating.

Secrecy in-powers the pedophile.

A pedophile is never too old, where they wouldn't be a potential threat.

Once a pedophile, always a pedophile!

Her Story

A friend of mine came forward recently with her own story of abuse and dysfunction. With her permission I am including her story on my blog. I believe many readers still have a hard time accepting that childhood sexual abuse is in fact an epidemic. Often the pattern of sexual abuse repeats itself through the victim if the victim is not helped. The predator moves on to other victims if not confronted, reported to the police, then serve time for their crime, and then have intense therapy and accountability.

My friends story breaks my heart. So many victims, because of secrecy and manipulation. Keeping this issue in the dark gives the predators power and access to more victims. The issue of childhood sexual abuse needs to be brought to the light and not tolerated on any level! The following is from a personal friend.

This is her story in her own words:

I feel very strongly about doing what I can to support your efforts to find Eddie and his family. I think I told you before that I would share my story with you. So here it is.

My grandfather was sexually abusive towards my mom and her sister. My grandmother didn't believe her. I don't know the extent of what happened to her. I only know bits and pieces. When my mom was newly married and my sister was very little, my mom tried to commit suicide and had to spend some time in a mental hospital. My mom and dad almost divorced. This was a result of the abuse my mother had endured.

I don't understand all that went into my parents' thinking. My sister and I were babysat by my grandparents quite a bit when we were younger. My grandfather molested my sister, but nobody knew until she was an adult. it is weird because I don't remember anything happening to me. He spent a lot of time with me. I adored him as a little girl. He was always ready to play a game or read a story or let me hang with him in his workshop. I don't think there was anyone I loved more.

Maybe during this time he was more fixated on boys. We lived in the small town in Washington (about 530 people at that time) He was accused of molesting boys in the Boy Scouts. He was brought to trial and none of the family that I know of said anything against him. It was like a sick code of silence or denial or something. He got kicked out of the Masonic Lodge. My grandparents left the small town because of the scandal. Other than that, I know of nothing that happened from all that. He got off basically scott free.

I am assuming my aunt and uncle didn't know this, but somewhere in this time my cousin (a boy) was molested by my grandfather. He acted out a lot of sick things on me. As sad as that was, I believe it was of much less consequence than if it had been my grandfather. I was about five years old at the time and my cousin was probably eight or nine.

I remember at that time my parents asking me if my grandfather had touched me. I said no and didn't really understand what or why they were asking. I still remember the first time I saw my grandfather after I learned of what he had done. I was about eight years old. I was sick to my stomach and felt so betrayed! Even though it wasn't me he molested, I felt he had taken away my innocent love and adoration of him and betrayed all that I knew of him. I hadn't at that time connected the fact of what he had done to my cousin to what my cousin had done to me. That was a totally different issue I had to deal with.

At the age of eight, I remember walking home from school in torment, praying that I would not get pregnant, even though it had been at least a year or more since my last contact with my cousin and even though he never did anything that could get me pregnant. I would say over and over "please God don't let me get pregnant!" I obviously didn't have a clue of the birds and the bees, until finally my sister set me straight. She knew and had never said anything to my parents. That was just one way it affected me.

As an adult with young children, I spent all the family gatherings when my grandfather was around on high alert. My kids were NEVER alone with him.

My aunt lived with my grandparents for a while after a failed marriage. She left her kids with him and he struck yet again. I still don't understand her mindset. Maybe she thought my grandfather had changed or that he was too old. It is that mindset that allowed the Rojas family to encourage their son to spend time with your family and wreak his destruction. It is maddening.

My grandfather died never having paid any consequences that I know of beyond whatever shame or torment he dealt with inside. Part of me still has a hard time coming to grips with his two sides. He was in the army and was honored in that arena and was a teacher. He was also a pedophile--at a time where it was so shameful no one would say anything. Your child is so blessed to have parents who are willing to go the hard route and demand justice. That will mean so much to your child as they grows.

Well, this was a little scattered, but now you know why I will keep posting as long as they are in hiding.

After reading that blog of Brian's my heart hurts for what your daughter went through.

Reflecting

I have been reflecting on some of the pivotal decision making moments since the discovery of our child being victimized. I know that it is obvious from my blog that along with dealing with the hurt of the betrayal from so many in my christian family, I have been struggling with my relationship with God. I know God didn't cause these horrific events to happen in my life. But I have struggled with the why didn't God intervene so that the events didn't take place. God is sovereign. I know all the thoughts about God knowing the "big" picture. God working all things for good for those who love and serve Him. (paraphrased) God being the redeemer. I could go on.

I know the personal effects of being a victim. I loved and served God in spite of my victimization. But why my child? Why from within the family of God?

As I reflect I can see the hand of God carrying our family. The most recent tangible example was at the courthouse when I was waiting in the hallway to enter the courtroom, when someone I knew was a lawyer, yet hadn't seen for many years happened to be looking for someone else in the same area I was in. The Tacoma courthouse is very large with many floors. There are numerous courtrooms. Where I was is a very out-of-the way area, yet I still saw someone I knew that would have valuable information for me. I was able to have a quick exchange with her and that is how I learned that if Patrick had an attorney our child was entitled to have an attorney appointed by the courts. At this point I had no reason to think Patrick would be contesting the no-contact order because Patrick was at the courthouse without his lawyer. Even the presiding judge wasn't aware of this particular law. God knew I would need to know that information.

To God be the honor and glory forever and ever......

Why ?

Over the last few days I have been trying to understand why Patrick would contest the no-contact order. I just cannot come up with one reasonable answer. Allowing me to secure a no-contact order on behalf of my child would have been a way Patrick could have deferred to my family and the desire to protect my child. No one in my family has any desire to dialogue with Patrick at all. Our child is fearful that Patrick would contact the child to ask for forgiveness or to try and communicate something else. For Patrick to do so would be purely selfish. I will admit I do not know what Patrick's motives are.

Let me be clear no one in our family has any desire to communicate with Patrick or receive communication from Patrick. His words would mean nothing to us. I wouldn't believe what came out of Patrick's mouth if my life depended on it. He has years upon years of lying and deceiving. Patrick is a calculating well-rehearsed manipulator.

Why can't I just have this one piece of legal paper that states Patrick can not contact my child? This would give my child a sense of security. Why can't Patrick at the very least give us that without contesting it?

A Song .....

"Daughters"
by John Mayer
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too [x3]