Starting Over

Starting over hasn't really been a choice it's been a necessity for our family. We were emotionally dying living in the small community where we would regularly run into or see the elder's and their families, Jairus Rojas, one child even saw Patrick. Every store we went into, I would need to scan for who was there. Community events were risky to attend. For us this has meant moving. I have told some, who have asked, I literally feel as if a black cloud has been lifted off of me since our move. I am not the only one in the family that feels that way. I know bad people are everywhere but it was bigger than that. I feel like I can breathe where we are now. I can live again.

Rebuilding of relationships, re-evaluating our church affiliation and what it means to be a follower of Christ, the raising of our children, our school choices, there is not one area of our lives untouched by the crimes that were committed against our child and the betrayals against our family.

Trying to start a new circle of friends and activities is overwhelming. All of our old friends not affiliated with "the church" are deeply entrenched in their own lives, their own traditions with others, and their own circle of friends. It is harder than I imagined to try and start over. It makes me sad. Then I have a little talk with myself and continue on. I have always been so reliant and dependent on my friends. Maybe that's one reason why the individual betrayals have hurt me so deeply. I have always put so much value on my friendships. I am constantly dialoging with myself as to whether I want friends anymore. Thanks to those of you who are sticking this battle out with me.

What happened has forced us to consider a life I never thought I would live in. I had a "moment" months ago when I realized I needed to stop trying to live the life I wanted and live the life I have. That was a breakthrough moment for me. Since then I have found the courage to make changes and we are continuing to change a lot in our life.

Some lingering side effects for me have been in the area of trusting, which makes it hard to start new relationships or rebuild old ones. Also, I haven't been able to separate (what happened) from attending a church. Our family went to church for the first time in a very, very long time on Easter. We went to honor Jesus on that day. It was very difficult. One of our children told me after we left that they hated church because it reminded them of "the church" and the people we use to fellowship with and it made that child feel bad having those memories. Two of the songs chosen that day for worship were specific songs that immediately brought my thoughts to "the church." I had to fight to focus my thoughts on Christ. I can't pretend it doesn't bother me and I know only God can free me from this.

Without starting over we had no chance to heal. That is much easier said than done!