If someone asks him, ‘What are these wounds on your body?’ he will answer, ‘The wounds I was given at the house of my friends.’ Zech 13 v 6

Monday, May 18, 2009

How Are We Doing? (Me - part 2)

I used drugs when I was very young. I was promiscuous. I had a nervous breakdown when I was pregnant with my second child, my daughter. I had no idea until now that all these behaviors are textbook for someone who doesn't tell or receive the proper help for childhood sexual abuse. I had been to a counselor a few other times in life, but had never revealed the sexual abuse even to those people. This was really the first time I was willing to talk about this to anyone other than my husband and a few close friends. I decided to talk about it to hopefully help my child.

I started working on the issues and the baggage that I still carried from the abuse. But when we received the news from the prosecutor that additional abuse had occurred towards our child by Patrick and that his parents Eddie and Kathy Rojas had previous knowledge of his pedophile behavior, I had to shut down. My counselor said, "It was what I needed to do in order to protect myself." It was all I could do not to lose it. I needed all my energy to help my family.

I haven't yet been able to revisit the subject other than right here, on this blog. Money for the counselor is always a factor and knowing what I am walking into emotionally holds me back. Maybe someday? I have been on three different anti-depressants and I think we have found the one that will help me. With the move and the anti-depressant I am feeling much better. I feel alive. I have hope for a better future. I can fathom attending a church again someday.

I do still think about this everyday. I am trying to accept that this is my life. I think that because of my past and because I am an adult and understand all of the ramifications with everything involved this has devastated me the most in the here and now. I am hoping that God will bring awareness and healing via our story and our experience. If one child can be spared the devastation of childhood sexual abuse from me speaking out, then it will have made all of this a little more bearable.

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